Weekend is here

Thursdays work social went well!

I have to say I was so anxious about it most of the day, sweating but not hot and just worrying about what could go wrong and that I might mess it up. And the work deodorant smelt like man so I’m oretty sure I did for the rest of the night.

We left work and all headed into Feltham where the bowling alley was.

We got to the desk and I checked us all in, got the drinks and the food ordered and then got the games started!

I was so so bad. Almost every ball went straight down the side.. but you know I was there to make sure everyone was sorted and having a good time. So my aim was to be really rubbish so that everyone else felt good about how they were doing!

We had another drink and switched the teams around, it was good fun!

We then headed to Nando’s which was a short walk away.. I thought I knew where it was, until turning a corner and it not being where I expected. I definitely had a little panic inside because 20 odd people were following me!

Luckily it was just round the next corner. Phew.

Then the mayhem! We all got to our big table at the back, it was loud and the whole place was so packed! In Nando’s they don’t come and take your order so it was up to me to go around the table and get everyone’s order. It was slightly challenging as people were not specific! But all fine.

I went off to the till to order 700 chicken thighs..

Eventually everyone got their meal and we all sat eating and chatting  away. We had a good laugh.. At the end, my director said it was well organised and seemed happy. Massive relief.

Then next morning was FriYaY!

I dont really have much planned for this weekend and am looking forward to a chill to be honest as this week has been miserable at times and I have to say I’ve been pretty anxious for a lot of the week.

Talking about anxiety..

A couple years ago I went on a work trip to somewhere where they spoke about bomb making, interesting stuff! It was just me and one of the other guy that worked with me, Mark.

Everything was fine, until 2 people walked up to us and started chatting away. Out of nowhere I had what I compare to an out of body experience .. sounds weird and probably dramatic but anyway.

I just couldn’t speak or move and I felt like my head was too big and heavy for my body.

My thoughts didn’t feel like normal thoughts in my head.

I was sweaty and feeling really hot and my brain just wouldn’t work. I had absolutely no idea what was happening. I just remember feeling stuck where I was and had no idea what to do. It honestly felt like I had taken a hallucinogenic drug or something.

I took myself off to the loo and just tried to breath but all I kept thinking was what the hell is happening to me?!

The rest of the day was awful because I just kept trying to play it cool but all I could think was what if it happens again. There was no-one I could talk to and Mark was my lift so I couldn’t leave even though that’s all I wanted to do!

So I’m pretty sure I had some sort of panic attack, but why! I still don’t know.

Since then I’ve had a pretty bumpy ride with anxiety. I always think that’s going to happen again and I genuinely feel my life has been different since that day.

Now I get hot and bothered randomly and worry about all sorts of things. It’s not all the time, it’s mainly at work or maybe even some social events but not too often.

I have to fight my own thoughts. Really tell myself everything is fine and ask myself what am I actually worrying about. I have to remind myself where I am, who I have around me and really calm myself down.

Anyway the reason I spoke about this is because this week I’ve had a bit of a bad time with it. With the worry of drinking too much over the previous weekend, having an argument with Antony and the work social.

I got home yesterday feeling so drained. But! I had some wine and ordered a curry and enjoyed my night.

Today I’ve woken up feeling positive, cleaned my entire house and now chilling in the bath.

This has been a very long post so i’ll leave it there. To anyone else who has had a similar experience or struggling with anxiety. It’s okay to feel like that! It’s actually a lot more common that I first thought., just breathe and remind youself. Life. Is. Good. And you are okay!