37 weeks pregnant

So just a little update on the pregnancy!

I am 37 weeks and 2 days pregnant at the moment and am SO excited, I am also pretty terrified of the birth, but honestly can't wait now.

I have a rather large bump which I will add pics of to this post.. and it's causing me so much backache it's unreal! I cant sit in any comfortable position, especially at a laptop! So once I've done this post I am going to lie down in the sunshine.

I have pretty awful heartburn and a MASSIVE sweet tooth too..

But all in all I'd say I've had a pretty sweet pregnancy, the above symptoms have sucked but they've been manageable. And honesty, the kicks, rolls and lots of movement make it all worth it.

And I'm sure when she's here the horror story I'll share of the birth will be worth it too.

So I'm on maternity leave at the moment and am keeping busy to be honest, doing more house bits, cooking, (failing at) baking, and watching baby programmes a lot.

I keep watching these shows that show people in labour and shares their birth story and am properly freaking myself out! EEEE.

I just wonder how mines going to go, how long it will last, if I'll end up having a c-section etc etc..

I am scared but mostly excited.. me and Ant will get through it and as long as there's a little baby girl at the end of it, we'll be happy.

I also spent a day properly sorting out the nursery recently so that everything in that room is purely for the baby and not my stuff as I'd pretty much moved in there..

We picked up more baby stuff that we bought off a friend.. so here's some pics of how it's coming along! I'm so excited!Also, 37 week is full term which is exciting because it just means if she was to come early, she's a good amount of cooked now.

Ant often speaks to her and feels her wriggling about which I love. So nice that he's connecting with her and I can tell he's super excited too.. also terrified but excited! 3 weeks till due date eeeek!

House updates

Antony and I have been working so hard on the house since we found out we were expecting.. so I just thought I'd add the progress pics!

Ant's mum and her husband have done the garden and the mancave for us last year and this year did the bathroom for us.

Absolute legends!! God, we appreciate them so frigging much, they've helped us so much in life with house stuff but also Ginette helps me a lot in life too about.. well life stuff in general! Lucky to have such a good relationship with her.

So these are the before and after pics, and I'll have to add the 2 bedroom pics too but we still need to put a wardrobe and a cot up and we were due to have the new carpet fitted by now but with the virus, I've no idea when this will be done now. It's a shame because that's what I'm mot excited about but it is what it is!

Lockdown living

In lockdown we obviously can't go and see our friends and family, which really really sucks.

Especially in times like these, we've lost someone, myself and Erika are pregnant, Adam and Erika were supposed to get married.. it's just rubbish.

So this means that video calls are basically how we are getting through! I had a video call with my mum whilst she was at my nans which was really nice. This was actually an hour after I had finished work for maternity so I was quite pleased to start it by chatting to mum.

It was really nice, we caught up and I hoped I'd helped in trying to make her feel a bit happier/more normal for a minute.

Then Hannah called me and showed me some baby clothes she'd bought for our little girl and for her/our niece so they match. SO cute. I just hope that I can get it off her before my baby gets too big! Anyway thats another moan/worry I have that I wont go into.

Then Adam video called me purely to show me his awful tash! Because no-ones leaving the house, they've (Connor and Adam) have decided to grow an awful tash - or try to anyway. I hate it so yeah, Adam called me just to be a wind up lol!

We have also started to do weekly family quiz nights, so each Tuesday a different couple hosts the quiz and it's so much fun!

The first week was Connor and Emily and we had a good laugh. The next week was me and Ant and it was good but I dont think it was as fun as Connor and Emilys. Especially when mum moaned and said no1 was gonna get the answers/the questions werent fun! But then we moved onto the personal round and finish the lyrics so hopefully she did actually enjoy it after!

So at the end of the quiz questions and just before we do the answers, we share quiz names with each other and then the hosts decides who ever's is the best gets a point.

Mum said that Adam and Erika's was 'Rory and Rudy' and we didnt really clock that these were their baby names! We didnt believe them for ages when we asked as well if they were serious.. I feel so so awful! I really like the names and just wish that we'd reacted better because I know if it was me revealing my name and people just carried on pissing about and not taking it in I'd be upset. But I'm hoping they're not as sensitive as me..

We've all messaged since and said we like the names and apologised for not taking it seriously!

Next week is Adam and Erika's hosting and I wanna make sure I listen and stuff cos I do worry sometimes that Adam gets annoyed at us all being silly...

I also had a video chat with my dad and sister Beth which was really nice.. it's nice to catch up with everyone and 'see' them.

Maternity leave

So..

I went on my maternity leave.. I was really dreading the last day video call with everyone at work. I dunno why I always get anxious over stupid things!

But it was really nice.. my manager set up a little chat so everyone could put messages in there to say goodbye and to put some advice on babies on there, so that was fun to read. A couple messages got me feeling emotional and so as soon as the video call started and the director was playing venga boys (because on the first work do I went on I got drunk and danced on the chairs to venga boys LOL!) I started crying! I couldnt actually control myself.

I had to take the headset off and Ant rushed to give me a hug to calm me down and then I went back on the call.. laughing about the fact I'd cried already!

It was alright after that, we all chatted about how we were coping in lockdown, how I was with my big bump - which was shocking to them as when I last saw everyone I wasnt that big. I was also wearing jumpers at work cos it wasnt as hot as it is now so when they saw me a few people were like wow!

Which I love cos I love showing off my bump haha.

The chat turned into embarrassing memories of me and soon there we loads of pics and videos of me on that online chat Leigh had set up. They were so funny, dancing, singing karaoke and just being a fool most of the time! It made me embarrassed but made me laugh so much.

I genuinely love this job and really would love to return.. at the moment I have a date to return in a bout 9 months and we'll see how things go. People always say you never know what it's gonna be like, how I'm gonna feel with the baby, childcare, finances etc.. but I would love to return, best job ever!

Life..

So I never did catch up from my last post and I was meant to be talking about how my Grandad had caught the virus but all was going well and he was going to recover.. home in a week or so..

Well to get straight to the point, he didn't recover and he passed away after around 2 weeks in the hospital.

I am still in shock about this to be honest, how on earth did this happen?! He wasn't an old frail man who was going to die in a year or 2.. this wasnt his time at all.

I wont go into too much detail because honestly its just heartbreaking.. but my mum had told me he'd been taken to hospital in an ambulance as he was struggling to breathe. He'd even answered the phone to her whilst in the ambulance!

A couple days later and he'd be tested positive for coronavirus, a chest infection and a blood infection.. all sounds so fatal but because we'd been chatting to him and we had a family group chat going about how he was doing.. it didnt really sink it that he could actually die.

He was in such good spirits, I had texted him my love and well wishes a few time and he'd replied with a typical grandad jokes and it just seemed that he was improving and was going to be out in a week.. I was stupidly very positive to be honest! I think it's just cos I know him and what he was like at the time. You know, if you read all his symptoms and problems on paper it does sound fatal and unlikely that he'd survive but we kept hope.

Anyway.. skipping forward to the dreadful part, Helen (my aunty) who had been sending updates in the family chat, along with everyone else, had sent a message to basically say it wasnt looking good. No improvement and that he was going to fade away basically. This really hit me, I'm not the closest to my family in Manchester because I live so far away but it absolutely broke my heart that we were going to lose such a good man in this awful way.

That night everyone sent their numbers to organise video chats with my grandad before he passed.. how awful. I cant imagine how he must have felt enjoying these video calls and seeing everyone, but knowing the reason behind it. Just horrible to think about.

I didnt get to have a video call because it was getting late and he was tired, I put my number in the chat but didnt push for it because I felt bad for everyone organising it and that he was getting tired. I dunno, I just felt silly.

But now I wish I had because I didnt really get to say good bye properly. Although my mums told me that he didnt look great in the mask etc so maybe it's a good thing I dont remember him as looking that way.

So my grandad passed away with a nurse by his side. I cried so much, I have cried so much and still do thinking about it.

That nurse as well, how hard that must have been for her and I am so grateful to her. It's a definite comfort to know he wasnt alone in his last moments.

So, that was it. My grandad who a few weeks ago was absolutely fine, chatting, dancing.. socialising all the time.. was gone in an instant.

I might not have been his closest family member but it breaks my heart so much to look at pics of him and think about memories.. and know that he's actually not here anymore.

It's so unfair, my brain can't come to terms with how this is even possible to be honest because this was NOT his time at all. It makes me angry.

What also hurts so much thinking about all my family who are all grieving and struggling now.

Especially my Mum. This hurts my heart so frigging much I cant even put into words! Just the thought of her sad makes me cry so much. And the worst thing is not being able to be with her or any of the family and support each other.

We had a video call the following night to raise a glass for my grandad. As soon as I saw mum I started crying. It was really nice but so emotional.

It was quite funny at first to be honest.. so many of us trying to connect and work out the camera/mic and not talk over each other. It was just so typical - like a scene out of a tv show.

We then talked about memories and shared pictures that we had of Grandad and it was very bittersweet.. the memories were all funny and silly because he was such a laugh but it was also so sad.

I couldnt help but think if he was on this call he'd have been such a big character and would have us laughing.

The days that followed were just a bit depressing to be honest.. just constantly thinking about him and then thinking about my heartbroken family.

The worst part is that just because we've lost someone.. it doesnt mean we're out of the woods yet.

That's not how this works, it's not a rule of, lose someone and then it's over. This virus is very real, very much still around and very scary.

I am really confused by it at the moment to be honest because one minute I hear that we have the highest death rate in Europe and the next I hear that the lockdown rules will be relaxing as of this Monday (3 days times).

How does that make any sense? Okay, I'd love to not be in lockdown now, I'm desperate for life to go back to normal - or as normal as it could after a pandemic.. but I feel like we're just going to relax the rules too early and then more people are going to die.. more families are going to suffer. It just seems so stupid to me.